Heart Attacks Happen

You've read the slogans and seen the statistics. The amount of people having heart attacks is crazy. These warning are always followed by suggestions to reduce the risks of having one yourself: watch what you eat, exercise regularly for at least 30 minutes five times a week, eat whole grains, etc. etc. etc.  At the bottom of these signs, there should be a giant disclaimer in bold, black letters saying: IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN NONE OF THESE THINGS WILL WORK. YOU WILL HAVE SEVERAL HEART ATTACKS REGARDLESS OF ANYTHING YOU DO.

Let me explain. On Sunday, Mac proceeded to choke not once, but TWICE in the space of five minutes. I think it took about an hour and a half for my blood pressure to return to what it should be. 

Mac had not pooped for the entire day and when he finally did poop it was explosive - leaking out of the leg holes etc. etc. etc.  So I was a little distracted trying to contain the stage three explosion when all of a sudden, as I was changing his diaper, I heard him making a very strange sound. Kinda like a choking sound. I looked down and saw the lid from my contact case in the back of his throat blocking off his air supply.  I had one of those HOLY COW!!! moments then I reached in and scooped it out.

I was a little shaken up (mostly because I had thought that the lid of my contact case was WAY to big to choke on - lesson learned!) but my heart was still functioning properly. So I continued to clean him off when suddenly I heard that weird choking sound again. Frustrated (because I thought he was just making the noise - he's going through a phase where he likes to make weird noises) I looked down at his face in time to see a THUMBTACK start to disappear down his throat. This is when my heart STOPPED.

I had one of those moments where you know what you're seeing, but your brain is telling you it can't possibly be right. Then I had one of those moments when your brain flashes forward and pictures you trying to explain to a doctor about to operate on your kid how he managed to GET a thumbtack and swallow it without sounding like an incompetent parent. Then my brain said "What the HECK are you doing!! GET IT BEFORE IT DISAPPEARS!! It took a finger knuckle deep in Mac's throat to get the thumbtack out of his throat.

As soon as the thumbtack was safely out I grabbed him up in my arms and gave him the hugest hug. He was still poop-covered but I didn't care.

Welcome to parenthood. Heart attacks included at no extra cost.


patrick said…
wow. so insane. i just about had a heart attack just reading this!!!

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