The Joys of Pregnancy

The joys of pregnancy. It's sort of a loaded comment - kind of like the joys of parenthood. Because while pregnancy is pretty cool (you're growing a HUMAN!! HELLO?!?) there are some aspects of it that are just a little... weird. Just like parenting, right? You love your kid more than life itself then you watch him pick his nose and eat it and you're like, Hm, I made that?? Scary.

Since this is hopefully my last pregnancy (hubby and I have a two kid plan) I wanted to chronicle the weirdness of pregnancy so that when my daughter/niece/daughter in law asks me what MY pregnancy was like, I will have a list of weirdness to whip out. So rather than "What to Expect When You're Expecting, here's What You Didn't Expect While You Were Expecting.

1.  All the books say that breast tenderness is normal. Let's face it - when your boobs go from a B cup to a DD cup in the space of three months, there's bound to be soreness. But what no one told me was that it would feel like someone snuck into my bedroom each night and sandpapered my nipples. With super extra gritty sandpaper. To the point where any clothing touching them is painful. Lovely, I know.

2. Dreams. Really really vivid dreams. The night before yesterday I dreamt that Mac jumping into a pool (and he can't swim) and I had to go in fully clothed to rescue him. In the end, I did get him, so it doesn't really qualify as a nightmare, but it's not the most restful night I've had. The night before, I dreamt I was at my old place of employment and my boss was chasing me around trying to have me killed in a weird Hunger Games sort of obstacle course.  Last night, I dreamt I was dating Sidney Crosby. So yeah, really vivid dreams.

3.  Itching. You. Cannot. Believe. The. Itchiness. Seriously. It's like you've been stung by a zillion mosquitoes. I'm pretty sure that anytime hubby scratches my back for me, I start purring.

4. Insomnia. Everyone always talks about the soul-sucking exhaustion that you experience in pregnancy but no one really talks about how you wake up at two in the morning and are wide awake. And you stay like that for three hours thinking, wow, I could really use some sleep.

5. Food aversions. I know I know, it's normal, it's talked about in books, blah blah blah. But it's still completely blows my mind how something that either a) never bothered you or b) you used to like becomes so completely disgusting that it's vomit inducing.

6. A sense of smell that makes dogs jealous. We cooked fish two days ago. Since then I've vacuumed, washed the floors, wiped down everything, baked chocolate chip muffins and a roast with potatoes and carrots and gravy. I can still smell fish.  The other night, my husband farted in our bedroom and I had to leave the room in order to breathe.

7. Emotions. Oh the emotions. I remember in my pregnancy with Mac the timbits hockey commercial where Sidney Crosby's bus breaks down so he goes and plays hockey with the little kids made me cry. Not tear up. Cry. This time around it was the Canadian Tire Christmas commercial where the daughter takes her elderly mother  out for errands and when they come back, the sons are there decorating the house. Somebody call a whaaaaambulance.

8. Placenta Brain. (Note: This turns into Mommy Brain once the baby is born). This can be described as the inability to either complete a rational thought, finish a sentence, function normally, focus your eyes for more than three seconds at a time and listen to someone talking for more than ten seconds before your ears turn off and you assume the pleasant nodding head yes-I'm-listening face while the first two lines of Elmo's song repeat over and over again in your head.

9. Heartburn that would maim an elephant. From weird things like milk, water, to basically anything that you put in your mouth.

10. Hormones that turn you into yourself with PMS times 100. There's a reason why they make husbands vow "through good times and bad" in their vows because I'm pretty sure that pregnancy hormones are pretty bad times for them. At least for my husband. (To be honest though, I don't feel that bad because at the end of the hormones, no one is making him push a watermelon out of his hoo-hah. Just Sayin'.)
(<-- That might be the hormones talking right there.)

Like I said this isn't meant to be a bitter complaint list, more of a "Wow, I didn't think THAT was going to happen" list.  Enjoy. And please, if I missed something, add it to my list in the comments. It will help to feel that I'm not alone. :) Peace out, y'all!


janelle said…
dan, i can't blame pregnancy, but i have always had that crazy sense of smell! it's one of the main reasons i hate seafood - ugh.
<3 you and your hilarious writing style!

Popular Posts