Warning: Grumpy Pregnant Woman Post Ahead

Maybe it's because last night directly after I showered my bunny peed on me. Maybe it's because I woke up at 2 AM and couldn't fall back asleep. Maybe it's because my baby has found my bladder and decided it makes a really lovely trampoline thereby forcing me to get up and pee 9 nine times last night. Whatever it is, this morning I am in a foul mood.

No really. You know how there are tons of cute "baby on board" t-shirts and "pea in a pod" t-shirts? Today I need a "Warning, keep back ten feet - may become unpredictably angry and emotional" with maybe a radioactive sign somewhere on it.  And one of those Warning: Explosive signs as well.

I am very thankful for this baby, don't get me wrong. After a miscarriage and a tubal pregnancy how could I not be. However, this time around, I am NOT thankful for pregnancy. Because this time around, being pregnant is 90% suckage and exhaustion and 10% fun. Seriously, June can't come soon enough.

I'm pretty sure God is using this pregnancy to teach me that I can be a smug pain in the behind. When I was pregnant with Mac my sister in law was pregnant with her second and was miserable. And I, having an easy pregnancy, was very self-righteous and judgy and all "Pregnancy is WONDERFUL!! How can you NOT enjoy the feeling of growing human being? Why do you have to be so hormonal all the time??!!" Believe me, if I ran into me during this pregnancy I would - to quote a favourite blogger - square up and then slap me in the face with a sandwich.

So in order to purge myself of the angry toxic hormones this morning I am writing a list of what sucks. Hopefully it will be cathartic and then I can return to being little miss freaking sunshine. So here are some common and not so common pregnancy complaints.

1. Being tired all the time. That's normal right? Well, you would think that being tired all the time makes it easy to sleep. Not so. I am frequently woken up from my much needed rest and then lay in bed for three or four precious hours trying to fall back asleep.

2. Remember "pregnancy glow"? I get pregnancy pallor. Because nothing about me is glowing right now, unless I'm stomping mad, in which case it's better not to comment. I am a pale person to begin with, but for some reason, during pregnancy I become more pale, leading countless people to ask me if I'm OK. Which makes me feel ugly.  Which makes me slap on makeup so that I don't look pale. Which leads to...

3. Pimples. My old nemesis. Yep, the good old hormones that are suppose to make your skin 'glow' are confused and instead have decided to give me pimples. Because having acne as a teenager wasn't bad enough. It's more fun when you're an adult.

4. Peeing. Like, all the time. Because as previously mentioned, my child thinks my bladder makes a really awesome trampoline. Yay.

This may not be working because so far, I'm just thinking of more and more things and getting more and more worked up.

5. Hair.  My girlfriend was a non stop vomit machine during her pregnancies (That's right, plural, as in, it happened once and she didn't it again. And again.) But, she had great hair. Seriously, I think her hair grew about a foot in nine months. And it was thick and shiny. Mine?  Gets thin and limp.  And then after I have the baby it starts to grow in thicker, at which point I look like I'm becoming Chewbacca. Hooray.

6.  Strangers touching my belly. OK, not strangers, but people that either a) haven't been invited or b) aren't THAT close to me and therefore don't get a free pass. It makes me want to grab their boobs in response and be like, Wow, they're growing nicely!! (Oh, pregnancy can make people irrational). I don't mind people touching my belly when I've invited them to, but otherwise HANDS OFF THE BUMP!

7. Huge, monstrous and novelty sized breasts. When I am pregnant, my boobs get huge. No understatement. Like Pamela Anderson huge, only not as firm. It's sickening. And it makes me NOT fit into cute empire waisted maternity clothing. Which makes me angry. Still.

8.  Hormones. With Mac, I was a crier. With Baby B (B as in two, not boy - we don't know the sex and I'm too cheap to drive three hours and pay a couple hundred dollars to find out) I am angry (in case you hadn't noticed) impatient and generally evil. To the point where I hate being inside my head because it's so negative in there. Thankfully, I have a filter so most of it stays in my head. But still. Evil.

Maybe I should stop here. I need to get a pro list going here before I lose me tenuous grip on sanity. So here goes the pro list:

1. I get a baby at the end of it.

Hm. Funny how one thing can balance out everything else. It's totally worth it. But still, for your safety you may want to stay back ten feet. Especially if my bunny decides to pee on me after I shower again today.

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