Time

Time has been on my mind lately. How precious it is and how it flies by so incredibly quickly. How sometimes it heals and sometime it numbs.

I went out for lunch with a friend today and we got talking about time. When I met her, her oldest child was 5. Now he is in grade 7 and I have two children of my own. The year we met, I had just started dating the guy who would end up being my husband. In January, he and I will be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary. FIVE!!! I had to recount that a few times, just to make sure it wasn't exhaustion caused monkey math because I was sure it was wrong. It wasn't.

I remember finding out I was pregnant with Mac as though it were yesterday. It's been four years since that happened. I remember the pain of miscarrying our second baby on his first birthday and losing our third baby two days after his second birthday. I remember feeling shocked when I got pregnant with Isaac. Although the pregnancy seemed to last forever while it was happening, looking at it from this side of the discomfort makes it feel like it went by in the blink of an eye.

I feel like I was just in the hospital giving birth and I'm looking at Isaac now, jumping enthusiastically in his jolly jumper and can't believe he's already four and a half months old.

I can't believe that in January, I will be registering Mac for school. Time.

Hemi's been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe because hunting season was one of his favourite times since he got to run wild in the bush. Maybe because it's almost the one year anniversary of our loss. Who knows. Sometimes, after a particularly vivid dream about him, I wake up and half expect to hear him whining at the back door, wanting to go outside. I still miss him. Not in a raw, wounded kind of way, but in a dull wistful way.

Maybe it's looking back on these losses that makes me so fierce about my desire to enjoy every moment with Isaac and Mac. You never know what's in store, and time passes so quickly. What feels like a chore or a hardship at the time will soon be a memory. Some you cherish, some you don't. But one thing is sure: nothing lasts forever. Time is precious.

I'm going to go hug my kids now.
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